Lady Love

It's been sometime now since I have decided to write anything on this blog. So much has happened in my life this year and I simply needed a break from it all. In May I found out I was pregnant and it was a complete shock to me. Now for the past three years, I have tried my best to stay away from my ex and I even decided to begin a new relationship with someone else. Although the new relationship didn't last long (you have to know that a person is simply not good for you in a relationship but simply a friendship) we still remained friends through it all. Well in May I found out I was pregnant by my ex and that day, I simply stood in the middle of my living room numb and afraid. Now six years ago, I was told that I could not get pregnant without taking some sort of fertility treatment so getting pregnant naturally was the last thing I ever thought about. Yes I wanted to have children for so long that I even still had anger for my ex-husband for not giving me the chance to make a family before our divorce.

Believe it or not, the first person I talked to ( after my best friend of course) was my pastor. Since my background with the church was an "orderly" one, I didn't want my pastor to be surprised when I started showing. Since I was in a serving position and also not married, I had the fear of being out of order and being asked to sit down until further notice. My pastors words were nothing short of amazing. He simply told me that there is not condemnation to those that love the Lord, and that I was still going to continue to serve in the church. You see a church is full of imperfect people and if your in a church that harps on perfection, that one may not be for you. There are countless stories in the bible where God used the most imperfect people to do the most miraculous things so why should I be any different?

I scheduled my first prenatal appointment with my doctor and all I had to do was wait. The question I can ask myself today is did I wait well? If you knew that God was going to give you the very thing you have prayed for for years tomorrow, how would you act today? I would say that I would posture myself for the promise and prepare my body for it all. But did I do that? Absolutely not. I worried about what others would say to me and even about me. I worried that since I have PCOS this pregnancy would be a lie. I worried that after watching all those documentaries that somehow I would die during labor.  I found myself going to three pregnancy clinics just to make sure that my at home test were correct and sure enough, I was truly pregnant. I started to prepare my house, my life and my mind on having this little person that I have prayed for.

I told my ex he situation and in his fashion, he was happy and he made sure he was there for me through everything. We decided that we didn't want to be like our parents so we were going to give us another try. This time it would be different, no more baggage from the past from me as well as putting pressure on him for me. What I didn't know was how much of a food patrol he was going to be and from the looks of it, this little person was going to be the same way. My body began to change immediately and I must say that I didn't like it. My favorite food was no longer my favorite which truly sucked. All I wanted was a bowl of grits but the little person decided otherwise. Sleeping was no longer an option at night, I was extremely tired during the day instead. Going through all of this and not being able to tell my family was really hard. I decided to tell my sisters first and as shocked as they were, they were excited. They wanted me to wait until my second trimester before I told the rest of the family which I agreed as well. 

The time for my first prenatal appointment arrives and I must say I was nervous beyond belief. You do your normal stuff, weigh in, blood pressure, temperature, and also going over your medical history. Thank God at the last minute my boyfriend decided to come with me. This appointment was the turning point for our relationship, we were about to become a family. My doctor was super excited to see me for this appointment to the point where he simply forgot that my boyfriend was in the room. He started the ultrasound process and that is where things started to get real. Although my pregnancy test were positive, my doctor could not find the baby in my uterus. Was this a mistake? Could all of those test be a false positive? Was my body playing with me? My doctor told me that these things happen and he wanted me to get blood work done to confirm my pregnancy. My emotions where high and I became so angry and afraid at the same time. After much discussion with my therapist, I went ahead I had the blood work performed. The next morning while at work my doctor called me to discuss my results, I was indeed pregnant. Now I was relieved but yet irritated about the whole situation. If my blood work came back positive, where was my little person? Was I to early to find the little person in the ultrasound? My doctor requested for an extensive ultrasound (which was more expensive mind you ) to see what was going on. That ultrasound was the most painful thing I ever had. They had to check everywhere for the baby and it really took awhile.

 My doctor called me to say the words no woman ever wants to hear ectopic pregnancy. This is where the baby is in the Fallopian tube and is growing as if it is in the uterus. He explained to me that if this baby was not removed from me that the tube may bust and I could die. Now after the ultrasound, I already began the bleeding process so the surgery had to happen fast. This news came to me while I was at work and I just didn't know what to do. I stayed in one of the private rooms and just simply cried my eyes out. How could this happen? What did I do wrong? The very thing that I've prayed for could potentially kill me at any time. With quick thought, I decided to have the surgery to remove the baby. The doctor scheduled it for the next day and I had to be there two hours in advance. I had to tell my family the situation since this was going to be a very extensive procedure. I called my pastor to ask him to have the church lift me up in prayer. This surgery was also scheduled the day before my birthday.

The next day surgery took place and my little person was no longer mine. My body was so full of drugs that it took a few weeks for me to get back to some sort of  normal. I took a month off a wok to give me time and I also pulled out of school for the semester. The only thing I could do was cry everyday that I was home. Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Was it because I wasn't married? Was it because I was divorced? What was the reason God? What was the reason? Now my birthday came and I must say it was one of the hardest birthdays of my life. My boyfriend made me a cake with extra sprinkles and my mother came over to help me take care of me. The only thing I could think of was dying. As a women, I did not feel complete if I could not to the one thing my body could do which was to have a child. What was my purpose for living now? What could I possible do with my life? What happened next, I should have seen coming.

I had a lot of support from my family and close friends but with that support, came judgement. I was told by the people I trusted that it was because I wasn't married I lost my child. It was because my boyfriend didn't go to church with me or better yet he wasn't the one I was supposed to create a family with in the first place. Those very words did not help me at all. I became so angry with people to the point where I just shut down all together. My boyfriend made the decision to take me away for a week and I must say it was truly needed. He took me to the ocean to help me collect my thoughts as well as his. Unfortunately, I was so full of anger at the time and I took it out on him. I didn't realize that he lost a child  as well. See neither one of us have any children and we always wanted a family of our own and this loss was a huge blow.

It is now November and we are still going through the process. My body is finally back to normal but I have gained about twenty pounds since surgery. I miss my little person everyday and I know where she is. I could be selfish and ask for her back but why would I take her away from paradise? In my heart I know I will see her again and I will try my absolute best to make her proud of her mother. For indeed I may not have a child in the physical, I am still a mother.

I love you with all my heart and I will see you when the time is right. In the meantime my love, you will rest in my heart until I can hold you in my arms. And you will always be my lady love.



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