God is a God of second, third and many more chances. However, I still doubt
Since the jaw dropping news of me no longer being in nursing school, I had to take so much needed time to think, reflect and get all the tears I had in my body out of my system. I would love to say that I just laid in my fathers arms and express my love for him and how much he has done for me. But let us not fool ourselves, I was operating in the flesh full speed ahead. I was so angry that I wanted to quit my job and simply run away from everyone. I found myself in a place where I couldn't be happy for anyone that was getting the blessing that I have been praying for. I didn't like that place but yet I lived there.
I felt so lost in that space of mine, I honestly thought that I had it this time. That this was the season of breakthrough for me but yet it was a dead-end. I truly didn't not know what God was doing or better yet what I should do so I choose to do nothing. I still prayed and talked to God but as far as making any decisions I simply stayed still and just lived in the fact that this time it just didn't work out. But let me tell you that God had so much in store for me that I couldn't possibly see coming.
After having a discussion with some of the pillars (close friends), I made a decision to talk to another school to see what my options were. After paying my previous school the balance owed for withdrawing (rude) my transcripts were sent promptly. The gentlemen was extremely cool and simply let me know that all my classes would transfer except for one. He also said that all I would have to do is take their nursing entrance exam and apply to the RN program. If I am to be accepted, I'll start January of 2017. Then I found out that I didn't have financial aid to start this summer but then I received an email saying that I was approved for $5,000 in student loans to start. For another person that would be exciting however for me I was paralyzed with fear. So much so that I would wake up daily and cry non stop. I was so afraid of failing and being let down yet again and living in the head space of what if that I simply could not go day to day living normal.
My stepmother called and said the most profound thing that any parent could eve say to their child. She said that "I don't give a damn about you being in school right now, your mental health is more important to me at this time. Take a break". At that moment when she spoke those words I felt so much peace over me. I knew that I had to take time off and just get me together. I choose to sit out for the summer and will wait to start school in the fall. All I have to do now is study for the entrance exam. However, I've been in this space of fear that opening the book has been a struggle. I pushed back my exam date because I knew I wasn't ready by any means. I've taken practice test to see where my knowledge is and let me tell you something, my knowledge is on another planet because my score are sad.
But yet God had a blessing for me that left me speechless. I was called into the office at my job and my manager just had the biggest smile on her face. Of course I'm thinking she must have had the best breakfast of all times because she was eating a few minutes prior to me walking into her office. She looked at me and said "Congratulations you won!" I looked at her a little lost but then tears were running down my face that someone coming into the office thought I was in trouble. A few week prior to our tearful moment I applied for a company scholarship that required four essays and an essay from management. Glory to God I won that scholarship for school and I'll be starting in the fall with no worries of financial aid.
But yet as I stand here and write this, it's an amazing thing to see what God has done for me in the past two months. But yet I still doubt Him. In his word it says that faith without works is dead. In some cases, in order for God to do His work, you have to do yours. You have to ask yourself did I do everything I could possibly do in this situation? If no, then you need to go back and do it. God is not going to do everything for you so on that note let me go study, I have an exam in seventeen days.
I felt so lost in that space of mine, I honestly thought that I had it this time. That this was the season of breakthrough for me but yet it was a dead-end. I truly didn't not know what God was doing or better yet what I should do so I choose to do nothing. I still prayed and talked to God but as far as making any decisions I simply stayed still and just lived in the fact that this time it just didn't work out. But let me tell you that God had so much in store for me that I couldn't possibly see coming.
After having a discussion with some of the pillars (close friends), I made a decision to talk to another school to see what my options were. After paying my previous school the balance owed for withdrawing (rude) my transcripts were sent promptly. The gentlemen was extremely cool and simply let me know that all my classes would transfer except for one. He also said that all I would have to do is take their nursing entrance exam and apply to the RN program. If I am to be accepted, I'll start January of 2017. Then I found out that I didn't have financial aid to start this summer but then I received an email saying that I was approved for $5,000 in student loans to start. For another person that would be exciting however for me I was paralyzed with fear. So much so that I would wake up daily and cry non stop. I was so afraid of failing and being let down yet again and living in the head space of what if that I simply could not go day to day living normal.
My stepmother called and said the most profound thing that any parent could eve say to their child. She said that "I don't give a damn about you being in school right now, your mental health is more important to me at this time. Take a break". At that moment when she spoke those words I felt so much peace over me. I knew that I had to take time off and just get me together. I choose to sit out for the summer and will wait to start school in the fall. All I have to do now is study for the entrance exam. However, I've been in this space of fear that opening the book has been a struggle. I pushed back my exam date because I knew I wasn't ready by any means. I've taken practice test to see where my knowledge is and let me tell you something, my knowledge is on another planet because my score are sad.
But yet God had a blessing for me that left me speechless. I was called into the office at my job and my manager just had the biggest smile on her face. Of course I'm thinking she must have had the best breakfast of all times because she was eating a few minutes prior to me walking into her office. She looked at me and said "Congratulations you won!" I looked at her a little lost but then tears were running down my face that someone coming into the office thought I was in trouble. A few week prior to our tearful moment I applied for a company scholarship that required four essays and an essay from management. Glory to God I won that scholarship for school and I'll be starting in the fall with no worries of financial aid.
But yet as I stand here and write this, it's an amazing thing to see what God has done for me in the past two months. But yet I still doubt Him. In his word it says that faith without works is dead. In some cases, in order for God to do His work, you have to do yours. You have to ask yourself did I do everything I could possibly do in this situation? If no, then you need to go back and do it. God is not going to do everything for you so on that note let me go study, I have an exam in seventeen days.
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