Admitting the pain

The past few week have been an emotional battle for me. Have you ever had times in your life when your so emotionally charged and you have no idea where it is coming from? Well it took me awhile to notice or even admit that something was wrong with me. From doing my cleaning of my documents in my file, I stumbled across my old marriage license. The date on the paper is actually this month which explains why I have been an emotional nut case the past few weeks.

This date to me symbolizes a date of failure. Although I did more then what any wife would have done by taking care of my husband in many ways, I was not good enough for him to keep me. It is mind boggling to me how a man can say she was perfect in every way but yet you let her go. Yes I have moved on in my life with a new relationship however I am very on guard with him to make sure that he does not hurt me. This way of life is not healthy for me or anyone.

I good friend of mine (more like a sister) recently told me to read the story of Tamar. Now the story of Tamar can be found in 2 Samuel 13. This is not the Braxtons Tamar so don't be fooled. Tamar was a beautiful women who was the daughter of David. Her half brother Amnon was so obsessed with her, he would do just about anything to have her. So his adviser told Amnon to pretend to be sick and ask for his sister to take care of him. Amnon did just that and Tamar came to his aid. To make a long story short Amnon raped his sister and became very angry with her and told her to leave his home. Now in those times a women had to be pure in order to marry someone, especially a daughter of a king. Tamar knew that and asked Amnon to let her stay with him so she would not be shamed. He had her leave and locked the doors behind her. The bible said that she live with her brother Absalom and remained a desolate women for the rest of her life.

As I looked up the word desolate just to get an understanding, the word means state of bleak and dismal emptiness or depressingly empty or bare. Which means she stayed a empty, depressed women for the rest of her life due to what someone did to her. This opened my eyes in a tremendous way. Although I have been hurt by the words and actions of my ex-husband, I cannot allow the weight of those things to affect me today. I can not walk around empty or depressed all the days of my life. How can I asked God to use the pain that I have to help people if I want to remain in a whole of emptiness?

In order to heal, I must talk to the pain that I have and give all of it to God. Divorce is not an easy road. Yes you go to court then sign papers and you never see your spouse again (unless you have children). But there is a process of re-identifying yourself afterwards. Who are you now? How can you start over? And most importantly, how can God use you now? I can say this, if God used a thief, a murder, a prostate and a liar, he can sure use me and you. Though we are not perfect we can still be used for God's kingdom.

I hope this help you as it has me. Enjoy the process of healing and allow God to open all doors for you to enjoy a complete healing.


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