Space of awareness

 In these times when I'm alone, that's when my mind just goes. I can't look ahead because that's the unknown, but the past is what's so strong. Did I make the right choices? Did I open the right doors? Did I lost go of the right people in order to be alone? Can I look at my decisions and be proud of myself? Or do I compare and contrast to somebody else? I'm always being told that I'm doing damn good compared to those in my age bracket. However, there's times when I simply can't comprehend that. I've been broke, had money, been debt free, and turned around and filed bankruptcy. I've been skinny, list weight, to now being at my thickom state. No matter what possession I purchase to wear or put in my house, simply can't fill this hole that I just couldn't fathom.

Companionship is something I long for and even down right crave. And to be honest, it's made me blind to any little change. You see I use to be the one who hatted being alone. So much so that I put up with drama, chaos, and toxic behavior. When you grow up in malnourishment, anything healthy is scary to you. It doesn't matter the color, the place setting, the table, or the location. You begin to feel uncomfortable and feel like you don't belong there or even deserve it.But what if that very dish is the one you need? To get you to your healthiest state to produce good seed? Because others have treated you so badly, it makes it so much harder for the next one to even breathe wrongly. Your expectations of them are so high that even Jesus can't bring it down to size. 

You see the thing about relationships that I didn't see nor was I taught, is that you have to die to yourself daily when you give away your heart. It's not going to always be about you and what you can gain. Sometimes you'll be the one that has to pour into them to maintain. It's about keeping God in the center at all times. That's to make sure there's order within the boundaries you've placed inside. You have to forgive each other daily knowing that nobody is perfect. Remembering that you can't put that person in a box or go off on them when you think they deserve it. Communication is key and having that sacred space. That's where the walls come down and true intimacy can take place.

My biggest problem is that I'm beyond impatient. I have to be in control because only I know what I can and can not take. The problem with impatientness is that you get in your own way. You cause all this damage and put you insecurities on display. People need to get to know the true you and what's really inside. However all they can see is the damage your trying to hide. Self sabotage is so real and I can stand here to attest. That I pushed away a beautiful person because of all my mess. I know I hurt them when they were willing to trust me. But my fear of being abandoned pushed him to uncertainty. When you know what you want and truly seek it out, there's only so much time you give to anyone let alone give your number out.

 I sit here and question all the mistakes I made. So much so that I can write my own okay. But I can't stay here forever, I have to be honest about the lessons. Look at the choices and try next te to do differently. Even if that means taking yourself off the market and work on healing. Now anyone that knows me knows I'm real therapy. You have to let all out and gain better insight, to heal those generational curses you knew nothing about. To be a better version of yourself than you were before. But please let me tell you to make sure you are doing this for yourself before you walk in that door. If you have the wrong intentions before you start the process, you're going to be the biggest mess and they will see straight through the BS. For they know that these serious decisions cannot be for anyone else. You have to do it for you because who knows you best? 

I'm aware now that I always responded in anger. I did that to protect my heart because tears were a weakness and the wrong answer. I'm not afraid to let my tears flow anymore. I just use wisdom to know whom I can trust and show. I'm beautifully imperfect no matter how much I've grown. I just simply have to remind myself of that every 24 hours strong.

To the one I hurt and pushed away do fast. I apologize for my actions of living in the past. Nobody deserves comparison and dating without grace. I hope you find true happiness with the one whose taken my place. Know that you did nothing wrong it was all me. I was simply afraid of the judgement once you seen the real me. The me that feels she doesn't deserve true greatness. The me the shine everyone else light but put hers in complete darkness. The one that gives so much of her heart. That it easily gets broken and all the pieces shattered apart. I seen what I've done and own my part. I just wish I can go back in time and simply allowed things to fall in its own place. But now I can't change it, just simply move forward and let go. For in this humility is where I'll have true growth. 

I'll just stay in this space for awhile and allow my heart to heal. To remove the fantasy from the real. Know what I did, own it, deal with it, and move forward. It's in this space where a new person comes forward. Not saying this will be easy by any means. I just know it's necessary to truly be free. Free from the pressures that I've placed on myself. Free from apologizing for every word I spoke. Free to be be me, to laugh and play. This is the place that I truly want to say. So here's to healing and moving forward. I'll see you on the other side looking oh so gorgeous.


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