Has anyone every told you that sometimes the things you go through in life are not even because of you? That sometimes you will have testing or trials simply because those before you didn’t make it? It can be almost like starting a new job and the person before you that held the position was so bad at it that the staff not only let you know about it, but also gave you the pressure to never make a mistake. Funny thing about that is, this is how your relationships look. You’ve been hurt by so many that you wouldn’t even let the next person forget to call you without you going off on them or getting into your head telling yourself that they are just like the last one when in all honesty they fell asleep and truly forgot to call. Or if they have a career where they can’t get to the phone as fast as you, your insecurities flare up and you assume that they are talking to someone else.
Let us take this time to take a deeper look at your starting ground. Who taught you how to love? Who showed you what a real healthy relationship looks like? What tools were you given to help you in your journey? Can you be honest and tell yourself that you were taught wrong? That you simply do not know what you’re doing but want to learn how to do it the right way. Can you look past your own imperfections to see the potential within you? If you were given a puzzle without the manual, would you know how to put it together? Would you know what pieces go where in order to make that perfect picture? Would you try to put it together? Or would you leave it there and wait for someone to show you how it’s done? No matter how many pieces you see, can you truly sit there and do the work?
In this complete moment of transparency, I can tell you that my foundation is complete distorted puzzle pieces. I wasn’t shown what a healthy relationship looked like. Not only on the romantic level, but on a friendship, co-worker, and family. When your family has so many stories or a deep-rooted history of pain, that tends to get passed down to you without you even asking for it. Because of that, you tend to be that over achiever and not knowing why. You’re that people pleaser because you want that affirmation from anyone/everyone that you’re willing to pour all you have into people until your completely dry.
Now this isn’t a moment to speak bad on my parents, I know now that they did the best, they could with the tools they had. I just must as a grown woman roll up my sleeves and get to work on putting the right pieces together. Has this been easy for me? Absolutely not however, I’m at least willing to try. I just know that I can no longer live this life of having habits and traits that I didn’t ask for. I no longer have the strength to fail test like the ones before me did. I must pass them at this point, my future legacy depends on it.
The first thing I can do is own my own mistakes and faults. I know I hurt people just as much as people have hurt me. I can’t not love my life as a professional victim. It’s not healthy for me and I just don’t have it in me to do so. I know some love that profession and never wish to change but that simply can not be me. I’m worth more than that and my story will not have “victim” in the index.
I’m ready for healthy and I’m willing to fight for those after me. This is far much bigger than me. Therefore, those before me couldn’t pass the test. They were taking it personally when it had nothing to do with them in the first place. Those tests were for my siblings and myself, but my parents did not and could not see it that way. Again, no fault of their own, they did the best that they could. I just know now that I can do and will do so much better.