A new breath

The past few weeks have been on the rough side. My Mother needed surgery which became an almost two week stay at the hospital with her. On top of that, I had finals and also starting my own bible study group. Sometimes being that type a personality, you want things to be planned and perfect. However, we all know that planned and perfect do not always go hand in hand. Moms doing wonderful, finals have been passed, and that bible study group is still in the beginning stages. Taking care of my Mother allowed me to see things from a different perspective. In times of stress, you want to have that person beside you to help you and be there for you. What if you don't have that? What if you are your own support? No one to call, text, email, or anything? I will be honest and say that I did wish I had someone to talk to during that time. My plate was beyond full but I did the best I could with what I had. What I will say is this, my journal became my best friend. Instead of using it as a "diary" like some would assume it would be, I used it as writing letters to God. He already knows my heart and what is on my mind. However, there is nothing like expressing myself to him and laying it all down at his feet.

Now this conversation does not have to be perfect nor pretty. Sometimes it's completely raw and unfiltered. I was told in the past, to never question God about anything. However, if I can question my earthly parents what makes him any different? My questions are completely just if you'd ask me, I simply want to know what is going on. It's in those times of writing and talking to him, that he just allows me to hear him at his best. I know he knows the plans that he has for me for sure, I just don't like that in my walk pain and seclusion is included. It's almost as if when people meet me, they know they will only be in my life for a season or not even in one at all. This does not make meeting people any easier for me what so ever. What it truly does is builds an even thicker, taller wall that someone with some massive power can tear down. The wall to some, can be looked at as a bad thing but I look at is as a protection. The bible says to guard your heart and I have learned from my past that I tend to give it away so freely to those that do not/did not have the tools to protect it.

Being in this space of writing and talking to him has allowed me to be honest with myself and others. I've noticed that I tend to take life so seriously to the point of relaxing had to be forced. Well being in a hospital for almost two weeks forced me to sit down somewhere. Although the days were stressful, helping to take care of my Mom was rewarding. I'm a true nurturer at heart and taking care of Mommy bought it out full force. As tired as I was, seeing peace in her eyes made everything worth it. We've spent more time together in a month more than we have in years. It's not that I don't like spending time with her, I simply made my schedule so jammed packed that no one could see me except my dog. You see, that breath of fresh air doens't always mean filling your planner up to the point where each day is full. Sometimes, it's taking everything off the books and writing your thoughts, plans, dreams, frustrations, or anything else down.

Taking this time has allowed me to see that I have kept myself so busy that I have been living my life on auto pilot. Getting up because I have to, paying bills because I have to, going to school because I have to, and not living because I should do that. I've kept people around me for the sole purpose of self love and filling in the gap in my heart that only God can do. I've fought with people to show them that I'm worth with when that's not even my job to began with. If someone does not want to be with you nor around you, consider yourself blessed because you didn't need to dead weight anyway. Rejection is hard for sure but look at their departure as what it truly is, a departure. That person did not need to be at your airport any longer. Their plane have to substance to sustain your growth or development. Yes you wanted to keep them around to have it look full however, your blocking the real deal to land because the artificial in on the ground.

For the next two weeks I would like to challenge you to clear your calendar, turn off all social media, and even your phone for that matter and simply spend time with God. Get a pencil and one amazing journal and write your heart out. Pour it all out on those sheets of paper until you cant write no more. Empty your head and heart until you feel a weight lifted and peace within you. Allow him to fill you with wisdom, discernment, peace, joy, and happiness. Once you have completed this challange, let me know how it turns out.

Happy writting


Popular Posts